I’ve realized I’m terrified to start writing here. I don’t know where to start. I’m afraid to really think about my thoughts. I’m swimming in emotion and don’t want to acknowledge any of it. But at the same time I do. My dad is dying. And what I am and will be experiencing with him is something stronger and truer than maybe I ever have.
As it is now, I’m still working towards being able to look him in the eye when something serious and heartfelt comes out. We’ve both spent all our time laughing things off. The thing is, I’ve never done anything of this magnitude seriously. It’s nearly impossible for me to make myself vulnerable enough to really just let emotions sink into me. I consider myself intelligent but it’s possible I have minimal emotional intelligence; if not minimal emotional intelligence, at least minimal emotional fortitude.
But I’m so scared and I know I have to figure this out now because it will soon be too late to figure out how to tell him how much he means to me. Things won’t be getting better for him, only worse, and I fear so much how much I have to tell him and how little he might be able to hear. He tried to talk about how lucky he felt to have mom and I and that he must have been someone really good in his past life and I joked it off because I wasn’t ready. But the thing is, I’ll never be ready so I need to make myself ready.
Ok, I’ve gotten one thought/fear out. More to come.